My relationship with spirituality started in my early childhood as a response to various prayer songs I would hear. Although I started this journey, associating with the religion I follow, with time I have learnt that religion could clarify the spiritual experiences, or may enhance them, however, it does not define them. Being born in a middle-class Hindu Telugu family, I was educated on performing the rituals of the religion such as deep-aradhana, revering the tulsi plant and visiting temples, on auspicious occasions. Observing my mother while she was performing the rituals, helped me learn certain sacred chants by heart. However, as a teenager I questioned myself on why I need to follow Hinduism which often could be an expensive affair and confusing due to its polytheistic nature.
After exploring other religions, I realized that Hinduism offers equal respect to various beings of the animal kingdom in the form of Ganesha, Nandi, Tumbura, and several other forces of nature addressed as “Gandharvas”. The similarity I noticed then was that all the deities had the Abhaya Mudra, indicating not to be afraid of them–all the deities wore a smile, even the angry deities. This led to the question, what are the deities assuring us of? Why are some of them angry? And why are they worshipped? Naturally, with time I learnt that there are unpleasant circumstances which weaken humans and some lead us to unrightful paths. During such phases, the humans need assurance that all is and will be okay. It is only later I knew that these were revered forms of manifestations of the various energies, which exist around us and we need a form of discipline to experience them.
During my late teens I was influenced by the works of Swami Vivekananda, which explained the Jñāna, Bhakti, Karma, and Dhyāna yoga philosophies. Strangely, I did not find them new. However, it was strengthened by the belief that there is much more to Hinduism than what I knew and that it is more than a religion. With time, I started to passively observe the various rituals and practices. It is at this time that I was able to apply what I learnt at school. Having studied at Vivekananda Seva Samithi, I had received basic education on reciting mantras, stotras, and haṭha yoga. Putting this knowledge and awareness together, helped me understand the relationship between the body and the soul, and their relationship with the various practices. Vivekananda’s lecture which can be summarized as, “the universe emerged out of space and prāṇa scattered into various forms of life in existence as we see it” and his explanation that “all living beings are continuously in motion to unify and become the supreme being”, made sense to me. Thus, my understanding of the relationship between jivatma and paramatma improved and soon became my awareness during my practice rituals.
बड़ा कमजोर हैं आदमी, अभी लाखों हैं इस में कमी पर तू जो खड़ा, हैं दयालू बड़ा, तेरी क्रिपा से धरती थमी
Bada kamzor hain aadmi, abhi lakhon hain isme kameen,
Par tu jo khada, hain dayalu bada, teri kirpa se dharti thami
(prayer song from the Hindi film “Do Aankhen Barah Haath)
The above lines from this song reminded me how weak we, as humans, are, and how submission to a higher source of energy can help us in healing ourselves.
On the other side, as an individual my experiences were unique to me. As reported by my family, I was, as a child, a hypersensitive person and my response to temples and holy shrines is different from others they knew. I presume, this is so because my energy levels are easily touched. This was also evident to me, when I started observing the annual Ayyappa Deeksha during my early twenties. On multiple occasions, I dreamt and have dreams of things which are about to happen, or sufferings of someone I know, or mystical places and temples which I could not and cannot logically explain. At one stage of my life, all these seemed a burden to me and I doubted if I am embracing the spiritual
path, due to the unconscious fears I may have developed, because of the identity, financial, societal, and general crises I had experienced in my childhood, teenage and early adulthood. Yet, the spiritual experiences did not completely vanish. I strayed from the spiritual practices to prove to myself that I am wrong and test my spiritual identity. Through experiences I came to learn that spirituality is a quality of existence, a quality of being connected to things, beings, and circumstances, and that the path is unique for everyone, as all of us are unique in our own way. One may deny it or disown it, but it exists.
To be able to experience this and enrich the journey, one needs to accept all the experiences they have gained, themselves for the way they are, and integrate the whole awareness into their existence. Naturally, lack of self-acceptance and being in the illusion of control makes the journey difficult and difficult to find logic in what is happening. However, not everything can be and needs to be logically explained. By being in a state of awareness, trusting oneself, not being in the illusion of control, and letting go reveals answers to many questions we have and dissolve the blind spots we accumulate, due to the social, political, and cultural influences we are prone to. In short, all the answers lie within and all we need to gather is the courage and discipline to look into ourselves, without judgment. Now, I come to the realization that spirituality is not associated with religion and all we need is to just be. However, since the human brain, societies and cultures unintentionally create hurdles to this process, various practices such as Dhyāna, Japa, and Bhajana help us to overcome them.
I also learnt that these practices could help us reveal our spiritual self, but they are only the support tools and not the destination themselves. This awareness is indeed helpful, however it’s not everything. Awareness and practice without attachment to the consequences are different, especially when the influences are high on the sensitive mind. The recent findings which clarify the scientific nature of Hindu practices, and its relationship to the universe only make my belief firmer, as experiences are worth more than an approval from an external source, even if it is the god himself/herself (Swami Vivekananda).
Through my PhD, I am certain to find answers for my own spiritual quest, and hopefully be of use to someone, somewhere in the world, at some point in time. All I need to do is discipline myself and be consistent. That’s the mystery which time alone can reveal.
Om Shanti
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